Skip to main content

Responsibility and Healing

I wanted to be more creative.  I had a problem to overcome.  When I would "go out on a limb" I would do my fastest and least productive work.  I would then expect praise, and when this was not forthcoming, I began to play the blame game.

Ah, that blame game.  The game can look like these: It's not my fault that I didn't bother to check my spelling it's the computer.  No one likes what I write anyways, so I won't write.  It's not my fault I don't have time to post each day.  It's the kids, it's the time away from the computer.

To some people it's everything but me.

Or, are you more like this?

The blame list can look like this: it's all my fault, I should have been better.  I am so dumb.  I didn't do it right.  I am useless.  I should have seen that grammar mistake for what it was, a sign I'm not good enough.  I'm stupid.

To others, it's them.

Either way the blame game is a knife to the gut.  It simply means I'm making excuses for my actions. Some people can do the blame game and can keep doing it, and there isn't anything that happens to them, at least in the wellbeing sense.  It protects them.

The blame game was for me, the game which broke me, and set me on the path to a mental wellbeing challenge.  I would blame myself to the point I would deny my own worth. I would work hard on my blog- or so I believed- only to find that I would turn it into another reason why I failed.  With this failure in mind, I could, and did find many ways to undermine myself.

Outwardly, I would be the most positive happy person one could imagine.  I was writing, I was someone most people cared to be around.  Inside I was angry.  I was helpless. I wasn't in control.  I could feel pain from an overpowering negative emotions.

To compensate I would self-harm.

Some days were worse, some better.  Some days I could believe in what I was doing and think I was better.  Most days were filled with the fear I would be found out.  That I was a failure, that I was worst for trying.  If I thought I would fail I would stop eating, I would yell and scream in pain I couldn't define, I would hurt myself.

I wasn't about to take responsibility for my actions and how I blamed people and myself.  I couldn't stop the pain, and I didn't have the means to do so.  I wasn't about to stop and say I needed help. At least not at the beginning.

The key to the start of my own journey to healing was to take responsibility.  Not to blame myself for things I couldn't change.  I took responsibility for my response to whatever was thrown at me.  If my writing was subpar, it meant a re-write.

I learned that responsible people have a deep sense of gratitude but also a deep sense of self.  They know what they can or can't do.  They might not have had the "tools" they needed to start with, but they took time to find them and to develop them.

For me, it was learning to cope with what was the only "way" to cope.  I learned to express my anger or my frustration to the right mentors and guides.  They in turn helped me along the way, re-learning old habits, replacing them with better ones. (Note I didn't say more positive ones, rather better ones) and then, going back and working with my new tools.

Healing begins after you take the steps to stop the blame game.  Stop it.  I'm not saying it's easy, it's a huge undertaking to stop blaming, making excuses or justifying why you did things.  That's the start.  Next is learning to be more responsible in how you heal, and how you become more creative.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

What Changes Do You Need to Make?

  Sorry, I'm not going on the meta stream thought wave, rather I'm going to talk about what you have and where you need to change to get there... on your content creation. And, well, maybe a bit about you.... I admit. that for a while I wasn't the best at writing or, if I'm honest, with content creation in general.  The fact of the matter is that I suck at it.  The difference between what I wanted to write and how people looked at it was amazing.   And almost a kick in the teeth.  Because I wasn't the best writer and I wasn't creating content people wanted to read. It wasn't until a couple of months ago when I thought about and looked at my own actions to the question what changes do you need to make?  I came to the conclusion that I have a pretty crappy track record for that, and the only way I can help myself is by taking action.  Forget about prefect or anyone else, just get it done for me.  The thing I believe will play into this is how much I...

Planning The Way You Need To

I'm not the best person when it comes to planning anything.  I tend to have a million ideas, and plans at the go at once. Focused?  No, not really.  I'm rather selfish when it comes to making plans and keeping them.  I mean really who loves to have a plan broken?  I'm sad to say, my method of planning doesn't work.  It's not that it's not focused, but rather that because all of them are focused, I can't stick to one. Planning is something you need to do... but I write down the plans, and then rewrite them.  I think of colour coded things, and of doing the plans, and of maybe tweaking the ones I have at the moment.  I write them down, I put up the dates, the plans, the hours of work. Then NOTHING. It's true, I do have plans, but it's not the way I need to plan them.  The trouble is that I get past the thinking part and get into the planning part.  The writing down, the work of putting it from an idea to an action.  The c...

First, Forgive

First, Forgive I've made mistakes.  I've done things which probably should be done.  I've ranted, I've raved, I've pushed too hard, or too little.  I've grown, I've fallen back, I've stopped, and started. I can't be human without making mistakes, and I can't be me without my hangups and challenges.  Or can I be more than the sum of my broken parts? Can I be the one who can take where I am right now and grow from there?  Is there a way I can change who I am, my past and my future? This is where I have my hangup, I understand in words at least that my past is my past and my future is not yet determined, but I am unable to remain in the present.  Because I am creative, or because I can't stay in the present moment, I have a choice.  In this stage of my life I've learned that my choices have always been there, but the element I was missing was forgiveness. For myself, from myself. Forgiveness is a powerful weapon.  You can tell s...